Since I have now lost 30 lbs over the past 18 months (and am down to what I weighed at age 20), I thought I would share my 8-Step Guide to losing weight. My book and Oprah appearance are in negotiations.
Step 1
Go to Europe for wife's 1st trimester. Sympathetically eat all the chocolate and pastries you can get your hands on, while never exercising at a pace faster than a waddle. Thus, gain 10 lbs in order to make your subsequent weight loss seem more impressive.
Step 2
Do not return to your desk-based, computer-staring, hotel-staying, fat-encouraging, soul-destroying job.
Step 3
Move from the fittest city in Canada to the, well, let's charitably say to a much less fit town. This will increase your self-confidence and make you feel skinnier by comparison.
Step 4
Have twins (please consult your doctor as this step might not be right for you). Stop sleeping. Start eating nothing but dropped bits of banana for lunch. Walk 20 km a day either pushing or carrying the increasingly heavy bundles of joy.
Step 5
Since muscle weighs more than fat, whatever you do, don't use the gym equipment that occupies half of your office.
Step 6
Take over all the cooking duties in the house. Learn to cook well enough that you don't need to order takeout every night (it helps to move to a town where there is little to no possibility of tasty take-out), but not so well that you always want second helpings. Do not learn to bake.
Step 7
Start playing tennis twice a week with 75 year olds. Not much exercise but again, does wonders for your body image and self confidence. You're guaranteed to feel lithe and spry.
Step 8
Marry someone who's never too impressed with your accomplishments. Preferably someone who claims to not have noticed any of your weight loss, or who queries whether you have a tapeworm, or who claims to have lost a similar amount of weight over the same period even though most of that weight is actually named Molly and Jacob.
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